The ’80s were a wonderful time for pop culture. Disco was dead, movies were defined by “Star Wars”, and “He-Man and the Masters Of the Universe” proved absolutely anything could be made into a half-hour toy commercial. Unfortunately, the ’80s proved that last one deeply, painfully true with these five who never should have been near an animation studio.
#5) Rambo
“First Blood” is a great action movie, but it’s also a serious study of a Vietnam veteran suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome, unable to return to civilian life. He’s pushed too far by the abuses of small-town police and has to return to the military because he’s too psychologically broken to do anything else. The sequel threw that all out for deciding one man could single-handedly win the Vietnam war, and then the third one saw Rambo buddying with those cuddly…Afghan…Islamic terrorists.
Seems like great fodder for an ’80s cartoon, right? Death, violence, psychological trauma, mistrust of authority…didn’t the Bugs Bunny cartoons have those? No, we meant when you saw them sober. Amazingly, nobody realized just how mindblowingly inappropriate making a cartoon out of an R-rated series of movies dealing with America’s still healing wounds from Vietnam was, and this thing actually made it to air.
#4) Beetlejuice
Speaking of death, bleakness and violence, does anything really say “kid’s stuff” to you like a movie about the afterlife and yuppies moving into a charming country house and turning it into a trendy hellhole? Because kids totally care about the tension between urban values and country living. That’s something kids discuss a lot at grade school, along with trade imbalances and the latest episode of Meet The Press.
Granted, the cartoon is actually pretty fun in that early ’90s “we can finally admit boogers exist to kids” way. But we’re just wondering how many kids went down to the video store and saw their favorite hero, Beetlejuice, on a movie cover and insisted Mommy and Daddy rent it. Although come to think of it, that was probably healthier than most of the sitcoms on in the early ’90s. What distorts your sense or reality more: one Tim Burton movie, or a season’s worth of “Family Matters?”
#3) RoboCop
“RoboCop”, the movie, is, no joke, one of the greatest action movies of the 1980s. Movie studios saw the work of Paul Verhoeven, a Dutch director who put out brutal satires of sexual mores and social hypocrisy (read: funny movies with lots of boobs), and thought “That guy should totally be making action movies!” So they handed him a story about a cyborg cop…which he turned around into a mocking satire of everything that sucked about Hollywood action movie. The gore, the violence, the fascist tendencies that were common in the genre, the mindless consumerism, the shameless pandering…all of it.
Then everybody missed the point completely and it became an enormous hit. Verhoeven’s been getting paid for years to call people morons to their faces. Nice work if you can get it.
Anyway, the brutal satire of “RoboCop” really doesn’t scream “children’s cartoon”, but this was the ’80s! By God, if there were toys that could be sold, the studio was going to sell them, and no fruity foreign director was going to get in the way of good business!
Somehow, we think Verhoeven just found it too funny to refuse.
#2) Godzilla
The original “Gojira” is a movie about a country trying to deal with the atomic bomb. Seriously, if you only know Godzilla from the goofier later movies, the first one’s kind of a jolt, what with the solemn choirs and the footage of people suffering from radioactivity and the woman holding her kids to her talking about how they’ll be with their dead father soon right before Godzilla stomps them flat (yes, that happened in the original).
It’s bad enough that was turned into basically a series of kiddie movies, but then the “Independence Day” guys got their hands on it and turned it into a giant iguana stomping New York for no explicable reason. Then this cartoon was made.
The cartoon’s substantially better than the movie, but still, there’s a reason that the iguana showed up in a later, real Godzilla movie…and got raped.
#1) Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris has had a lot of scary and inappropriate moments in his career, mostly due to his horribly inflated ego. “Walker, Texas Ranger” managed to handle sensitive subjects like AIDS and illegal immigration with all the subtlety of a wedgie while featuring Norris staring down a bear and revealing he keeps a rocket launcher in his pickup’s gun rack (we assure you: these are both real moments in the show). Meanwhile, he was cranking out a long series of terrible “Rambo” ripoffs mostly notable for being even more violent and stupid than the originals when he wasn’t turning out movies like “Sidekicks”, in which a teenager blatantly suffering from mental illness is encouraged to study martial arts instead of being given some anti-psychotics and told that fantasy and reality aren’t quite the same thing.
The guy has basically made a career out of beating up people he doesn’t like and announcing “I’m so awesome!” The only time he’s shown range was when Bruce Lee beat it out of him. What’s amazing is that this guy ever had a career.
Which makes “Chuck Norris Karate Kommandos” kind of disturbing, reading less like a cheap kid’s show to move toys and more like an attempt to indoctrinate kids into the Cult of Chuck. The concept was created by Norris and we’re deeply, deeply concerned that Norris really does see himself as the leader of a team of “radically diverse” karate champions fighting a secret conspiracy headed by a man named “Super Ninja”.
Mark our words, “Chuck Norris: Karate Kommandos” is going to be a tragic document one day. Chuck Norris is going to burst into the Texas state house, kill a few doughy legislators with his bare hands, and then be gunned down proclaiming he saved the world from VULTURE. You heard it here first.
By Dan Seitz
Chris says
Sorry, I love Godzilla. I didn’t like the Matt Broderick movie but I love the old Japanese ones. And I watched the original Godzilla cartoon in the 1980s. I still wish that I could find a communicator to summon Godzilla to stomp or melt those that get in my way.
A radio station owner says
How old are you, twelve? Each and every one of these were absolutely appropriate in their day. Except Godzilla. Nobody asked for a cartoon about GINO…. that said it WAS better than the movie.
vprajapa says
Awesome read. Bit about chuck going on a rampage is funny and cud happen.
murphy says
robocop was made before basic instinct and showgirls, your so called boobs and action movies.
steve says
..what about cartman
Lia says
Well…I don’t really think they were inappropriate, just incredibly stupid. I’ve seen worse, though…Rocket Robin Hood always comes to mind in the “stupid” category. However, after the glory of the internet lame watch my childhood faves again, I’ve had to admit that they were *really* bad also…. Prince Planet? Marine Boy? What was I thinking?
simmy says
Cartman should be number 1…… wtf
RaulJones says
Pfft. The war-era Bugs cartoons were the greatest creations since Jeebus walked on water. Sure, they were violent & “politically incorrect” (the greatest tragedy this country ever suffered), but they…were…awesome. I hope the parents that banded together to take them off the air (or get them edited, butchered, if you will, into absurdity) all burn in hell.
Phillip says
Beetlejuice? Bullshit, that movie at worst had a few cusswords and a scary looking snake, the cartoon a major classic that had nothing unappropirate in it at all. Take it off the list and you’d be more in buisness.
Guy says
Seriously? You’ve mentioned all these cartoons and completely missed South Park, by far the one of the most inappropriate cartoon I’ve seen. Most of these cartoons are like the teletubbies compared to South Park. And there are plenty more just like it. This list is bullshit.
Mike says
^ unappropriate?? haha
I think that theyre referring to cartoons that are inappropriatley aimed at kids…South Park is not.
Martine says
Its time for you to grow up, please. In what way was any of this inappropriate? And why does there have to be a reason for a giant iguana? When one makes a movie or a cartoon or any retelling they have absolutely no obligation to keep anything the same as the source they base it on. Its always a completely different story written by a completely different person. ‘Based on’ means used for inspiration. Nothing more then that. Its totally appropriate to make a tragedy out of a comedy or any thing else the new creator wants.
Also, movies like “Robocop” or “Starship Troopers” are not misunderstood by the public. EVERYONE understood that Verhooven was attempting to make fun of the law enforcement community, fascist legislation and whatever else. We all also understood that he knew precious little about any of that stuff. Movies like that are best when you ignore the political ‘messages’ of the creators. Just like people like music of the Beatles or the Clash, but generally think their political thinking is dumb. There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking one aspect of a story, like the action, or the fun gross stuff, and dumping other aspects.
The joke here is on you.
Martine says
As far as your criticism of Chuck Norris; I think that encouraging a troubled teenager to study something that involves mental and physical discipline like the martial arts instead of having them see a shrink is actually a wonderful message. All a shrink tends to do is prescribe a trunk full of useless medications like Ritalin that leave kids dazed and easier for adults to deal with, but no better off. You really need to realize that your opinions are not quite as universal as you seem to think. The reason that Chuck Norris has a career is that he is an amazing athlete, and has good reason to be proud of himself. Now what makes you think you are so clever?
twilight guardian says
I agree with Martine. Having seen Sidekicks and also having known someone who had been on ritalin (I don’t care what you say, hallucinations in an 8 year old is something to be worried about), I have to say that it was a good movie. I hadn’t seen many like it so it was fresh for me. But watching it with someone who had even they said that they were pleased with the movie.
As for Godzilla… am I the only one who actually prefers the American version? I’ve never been one for monsters/villains who never died and were over powered like the Japanese Godzilla was. Having watched most of one of the films, I know not which, I wasn’t all that impressed. But I do know that Godzilla was meant to be a radioactive dinosaur of some sort. They based the Japanese version on what people thought dinosaurs really looked like back then. Along comes the American version and they try and make the creature look realistic in terms of what we know theropod dinosaurs to look like and give it mortality and people go batshit insane. Say what you want about the American Godzilla, but other than the coming from Iguanas part, I would say it was good. Even then, it sort of looked like an Iguana, but why a mutated Iguana became a bipedal animal is unknown to me.
Jason says
Liked the article, but the Godzilla entry is a little misleading because the image is not from the late 90’s cartoon based on the Roland Emmerich movie. It’s a picture of Godzilla from the 1978-81 cartoon produced by Hanna-Barbera and Toho. You might want to either change the picture or include the original cartoon as another reasons why he’s inappropriate. It featured Godzilla as the deus ex machina in every episode when a team of scientists got in trouble with big monsters. With a push of a button, a signal called Godzilla to the scene. It even had Godzilla’s nephew Godzooky for comic relief.
Fantomex says
@Guy: Hey dumb%$#&, South Park is not for kids; don’t you see the warning at the beginning of each episode? That’s why it’s not on this list.
As much as I love Beetlejuice, I have to admit the author’s right; this cartoon might be considered somewhat inappropriate for kids. This is a concept that might have worked if it was done as an anime along the lines of Death Note or Hellsing, and in a more realistic anime style as seen on those two shows. And the author’s also right about Rambo, Chuck Norris, and RoboCop.
Fantomex says
@twilight guardian: Love what you said about the American Godzilla, and I loved that movie as well.
Steph says
Actually, when I was 4 or 5, BeetleJuice was my favourite movie =P I watched it at least once a day at my babysitter’s house, I loved it so much. I recently watched it all the way through for the first time in a long time, and wondered how in the hell I was ever able to get through it as a child! No wonder I’m so messed up.. XD
Shy says
Eeh? What do you mean that a iguana showed up in a real Godzilla and got raped? O.o
HerpDerp says
huuurrr…what about family guy? that is on cartoon network hurr
Alan says
I admit I agree and have thought RoboCop seemed an odd choice, and Police Academy cartoon too. Both were adult rated movies made into Kids cartoons…watered down to the point of barely recognizable…same as they did with the Rambo cartoon from the original concept.
TylerChuit says
This would more correctly be called a list of Most Inappropriate Cartoon Translations of Live Action Properties. I agreee with all the ones listed and would like to add the “Police Academy” cartoon and that one that reimagined the Three Stooges as robots, “The Robonic Stooges”.
PhD in Fail says
@Shy:
The Japanese made a Godzilla movie starring the original Godzilla (aka Not American Godzilla), where the American Godzilla (which they named Zilla) made an appearance and got owned (or as the writer said, raped) by the original.
Spikey says
wow how much stuff can you get wrong in one dull article? Kudos.
JOSEPH says
Looks like you pissed off some people here. LOL
All those cartoons were great in the 1980’s I personally loved RAMBO and now own it on DVD.
I always thought it was funny that the movie was rated R yet they had a childrens cartoon based on it..But thats the way it is today also.
So many children have seen FAMILY GUY, SOUTH PARK.. ect
and its right on television, to see Rambo at the time you needed to be 18 or have an adult with you, and it was actually enforced a good part of the time, I remember sneeking in a R rated movies and and sometimes during the showing have an usher shine a flash light on me and getting kicked out.
And going back to Rambo.. unlike the show it actually taught values
and lessons mixed in with the action.
I cant think of too many cartoons of today that do that.
Dont get me wrong, even as an adult I love some of the Animated shows/movies of today.
JOSEPH says
Sorry noticed some errors too late. I ment to type “unlike the movie”
Shaun says
Haven’t seen more than an episode of most of these, or at all. Norris and Robocop were too corny, even as a kid. I’ll defend Sidekicks as an alright movie, but do think they should have explored a little more into Brandis’s (RIP) broken psyche.
The Beetlejuice cartoon was a classic in its own right – a little scary, weird, fun, and I certainly wasn’t shocked or screwed up by it. Cartoons like it paved the way for the rule-breaking cartoon artists and the new cartoon/anime consumers we have now.
Surprised you forgot to mention THE TOXIC AVENGER! That movie series is a hard, hard R for sex and gore, yet was also a watered-down kids cartoon.
Pretty poorly thought-out and written article all things considered…
Thermobeast says
It’s a little fuzzy for me to remember if it was inappropriate or just plain bizarre, but I would absolutely place the Mr. T cartoon in the same class as all of the above. As I recall he traveled with a gang of gymnasts who he ran around with solving crimes…
J says
THANKS Shaun, I was on a hell-bent quest to point out just that: The Toxic Frickin Avenger. At that point, why not Freddie Kreuger, Jason Voorhees, or Leatherface?
Gazza says
Wasn’t there a Star Trek cartoon too…although that was probably good…
Chuck Norris rules!! Just watch The Octagon or the brill…Code of Silence!
80’s Chop Suey Films rule!
Carlos says
@Gazza Yes, there was a Star Trek cartoon. It was underfunded, released too soon, and only lasted half a season. They tried to keep the original series’ feel, but because of budget and deadline issues, they ended up recycling A LOT of stock scenes & stills in the different episodes, which made it incredibly boring to watch, both for adults and kids.
The bright side: this relegated Star Trek: Enterprise to only the 2nd-biggest flop in Trek’s TV history.
Eddie C says
Hahahahaha….These are all really tame….you want to see really inapropriate cartoon characters….check out any of the work of Robert Crumb….I will mention only one of them here…Dicknose….and believe
me. it’s not porn….
Monty says
I think describing Chuck Norris’ Missing In Action series “as a long series of terrible “Rambo” ripoffs”. There were only 3 and they weren’t terrible, they were bloody hilarious!
You says
Just becouse it’s not a kids show, doesn’t mean kids dont watch it.
sanuly says
funny thing is when i was a kid, i totally dug beetle juice! i felt it OWNED! I even taped it on primordal VHS tapes and watched it over and over again.
The premise might have been jaded, but it was the first of Intellectual cartoons that we so much off today
Oh, just this person says
The Toxic Avenger was one of the sickest, most gruesomely cheesy and overtly sexual B-movies of its day and it was also made into a cartoon for the kiddies.
Brad says
You missed the most inexplicable one of all The Toxic Avenger. The original Toxic Avenger is a Troma film that includes a scene in a sauna where a girl is masturbating to a picture of a dead kid with a crushed head, when Toxie comes in an kills the naked chick by frying her ass on the hot rocks.
At one point in the film, he punches his fist into a guys stomach and pulls his intestines out.
Sounds like the makings of a Saturday morning hit to me!
Gothic Sora says
Something most of you who are suggesting South Park are over looking is this title be darned this is about 80’s cartoons for kids, not thati don’t agree and would also want to mention Family Guy and the Simpsons. (which childrens also should not be watching)
Also I must agree the the Mathew Broderick Godzilla which even mentions the original films in the movie in more of an homage, and the show was watchable. (thought the idea is really funny if you saw it out loud)
However I would like to know Wtf Mathew Brodricks Godzilla Got Raped huh?
lipplaa says
It’s just entertainment, try to remember you were a kid, getting picked on, bullied, insecure, getting the memories back? Yes now you may remember how funny al this stuff was to you, you werent a gullible, imbecile, no you actually coud think for yourself, remember again, this stuff was just legendary fun. Whats really inappropriate? nothing really is unless you consider it to be, hahaha muhaha
show says
I remember all of those cartoons & they were awful. They were watered down versions of the movies to the point that they could have named them anything.
Transformers was the only Movie/Cartoon combo from the 80’s that was actually good in my opinion. I guess because it was a cartoon 1st. Then again, He-Man was a horrible movie and that was a cartoon 1st.
A Rambo cartoon is the equivalent of making a Jack Bauer (24) cartoon or Expendables cartoon
Deshawn says
What retard said kids shouldn’t watch the simpsons? it’s a family show that’s main audince is families.And family guy sure isn’t for kids but the simpsons is probally as bad as the original flinstones.
antony says
Funny how the ‘chosen master race’ is always so jealous of Norris.
Blk says
Chuck Norris Will Come And Kick Your A*s Off
Tchristo says
I dont normally comment but wow… Get off your high horse you “politically correct Nazi.” First of All… how the hell are kids going to learn anything about anything if they are never exposed to world issues. Second these shows were all great for their time. They had good messages and good life long lessons! That’s 100% better than the crap they put on TV today (like Sponge-bob) which is constant fart and butt jokes.
And yeah the movies were rated R and had adult themes, So did pretty much every Cartoon. Bug’s used to cross dress and make out with Elmer all the time. Bambi’s Mom gets fuckin shot and dies! The reason kids are such little (I don’t even know what curse word to put here!) shits these days is because we coddle and protect them from everything.
And what makes you think people just “dont get” the political messages in the movies. Most people do we just “ignore” them. Avatar is a GREAT action movie, the political message is an annoying afterthought when I watch it.
Personally I own most of these shows and more (X-men, GI-Joe, Anything by Hanna Barabara, Scooby-Doo ect) And will be letting my kids fall in love with characters that have more meaning and messages about life. Between me and the cartoons, we should be able to repair all the damage future society is going to do.
Betta says
You missed a few:
POLICE ACADEMY and TOXIC AVENGER were both hard-R movies that were turned into kids cartoons. TOXIC AVENGER is one of the most offensive films ever made, featuring, among other things, a masturbation scene with a slimy green and red cum shot.
ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES was a strange one as well, the no-budget spoof of horror movies only found success because of it’s crapness and because it was an early VHS release. It also used several characters from the 80s sequel, RETURN OF THE KILLER TOMATOES, which was a sex comedy.
Also, I always had to a raise an eyebrow at DUCKTALES. It’s protagonist is Scrooge McDuck, the world’s stingiest billionaire, who wants nothing more than to increase his wealth even more, and to literally swim in his money. Has greedy capitalism ever been so whitewashed?
Josh says
Does Felix the Cat not count?
Chicago Underdog says
First of all, holy crap did people take this way to seriously!
To any and everyone who said that these cartoons or movies were great ways to expose kids to “real issues”, I hope you dont have kids!
2nd of all, I was hoping for a better list, but I dont have a blog or the time to make one. I think there are a few way more ridiculous cartoons out there – have you seen THUNDERCATS???? What about the GI Joe cartoons? Not to mention all of the early 20th century racist, sexist, and violent cartoons.
Thunder Thunder Thunder! Thunder cats HOOOOO!
Locke says
This wasn’t anywhere near as funny as I hoped it would be. The Robocop entry was great, but the others felt short and, well, half-assed. Except for the Chuck Norris bit. That pretty much amounted to a long rant about how much you hate Chuck Norris. Seriously, man, give it up. You clearly have a thing for the ol’ Chuckster. Admit it to yourself and move on. And, next time, don’t fill half your article with your burning hate-love for Chuck Norris when the article’s title suggests that it’s about something else.
I think I’ll try a few more of your articles, just to be unbiased, but this was pretty weak. Sorry, man. 😛
B says
You’re assuming the main audience of Beetlejuice (the movie) WASN’T children?
Wrong.
Kaity says
Uhmm…beetlejuice was my show when I was little. I begged my parents to rent it at blockbuster many-a-times thank you very much.