Films aren’t just celluloid collections of mindless entertainment. The truly great movies can stir the soul. They can lift the human spirit and literally save mankind by proving to the cruelest of fates that men are capable of much more than starting holy wars, wiping out whole sections of humanity and using the least capable members of society as pawns for their own tiny grasps for power. Also, a really good shower scene can do the same thing, but with boobies.

Shower scenes are often portrayed as a cheap way to add sex to a movie. That’s not totally untrue. The truly great bathing scenes can be just as funny, scary or even downright frightening as any other plot driven part of the film. And even if they are, at least it’s the closest you’ll ever come to see Angelina Jolie’s side boob, so quit whining.

1. “Weird Science”

 

This sci-fi coming of age comedy from John Hughes might not be the most high-brow title in his list, but it still does a good job of portraying the condition of the teenage spirit.

The shower scene happens early on in the film after the boys create the perfect woman out of circuits and Barbie dolls. Kelly LeBrock fulfills every 80s teenage boy’s fantasy by showering naked with Anthony Michael Hall and Ilan Mitchell-Smith. Even though we’re treated to all of the good parts of LeBrock that a PG-13 rating will allow, it’s a hilarious scene because it’s how real teenage boys would react to getting to shower with a picture-perfect British babe. These days, however, that moment would be followed by an investigation by the local school board and non-stop coverage from the local news of another “teacher gone wild”.

2. “Wild Things 2”

The direct to DVD sequel to the lukewarm erotic thriller doesn’t get much real estate on many movie lists because even the “Lawrence of Arabia” of direct to video movies has a hard time drawing more than .99 cents from the Walmart discount bin.

In this case, it deserves special mention because it features a gratuitous shower scene halfway through the film. The scene doesn’t even make sense in terms of what little plot there is but it is so steamy and sensuous that it slows time and any sense of continuity your tired brain has left. Susan Ward and Lelia Arcleri may be fully clothed in this outdoor swimming pool shower scene but your imagination can help you fill in the blanks.

3. “Tomb Raider”

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Putting the words “Angelina Jolie” and “shower scene” in the same sentence won’t just give us more hits than we could hope for short of starting our own porn tube video portal. It also saved one of the most disappointed video game movie adaptations from complete worthlessness.

Jolie jumps under the nozzle as Lara Croft, the sexiest video game babe since video games were able to graduate from colored squares and dots to fully formed beings with shapely forms and boobie physics. The fact that one of the most beautiful women in the world is playing one of the most beautiful fictional women in the world in a shower that leaves just enough to the imagination to keep the MPAA from whining into an R rating makes me wonder just what will make a male human head explode.

4. “Psycho”

 

The films of the late 1950s and early 1960s didn’t have a lot of steamy shower scenes that let mankind enjoy the best of what indoor plumbing had to offer. Legendary director Alfred Hitchcock added an interesting twist to his shower scene by showing some serious violence that made you question the existence of a God.

Hitchcock’s brilliant horror film featured one of the most brutal scenes of its time in the first half of the film as the beautiful Janet Leigh gets carved up by Norman Bates’ psychotic mother in the shower of a motel room. It’s mix of beauty and horror makes it one of the most iconic scenes in the history of film and the most confusing moment for male genitalia since that moment with the stripper with the Adam’s Apple.

5. “Porky’s”

 

Bob Clarke’s hilarious goofball raunch fest about a group of Florida teenagers looking for a good time and revenge on the fat bastard who wouldn’t let them have it also had a shower scene that’s as equally memorable as the one in “Psycho”.

The shower scene in question sets in motion one of the most hilarious sequences as Miss Balbricker tries to get the high school principal to stage a “tallywhacker lineup” after she literally catches one in the girls’ locker room shower. It’s not only a great mix of sexuality and comedy in a film (a rare feat as anyone who has been laughed at during sex knows since they didn’t find it so funny, SHEILA!), but it’s unapologetic in its source material and makes it a brave film in its own right.

Danny Gallagher is a freelance writer, humorist, reporter and bather. He is a regular contributor to several blogs and web magazines including TruTV’s Dumbsaablog.com, and Playboy’s “The Smoking Jacket.” His humor writing has also appeared at Spike.com, Cracked.com, Mental_Floss and Aol. He can be found on the web at www.dannygallagher.net and on Twitter @thisisdannyg.