If you need to have this article explained to you in paragraph form before the examples are listed, you should leave now, because there’s no help for you. Now that those morons are out of the way, let’s get to the awesome

5. Canjet Flight 918

On April 19, 2009, Canjet Flight 918 was about to take off from Sangster International Airport in Motego Bay, Jamaica, bound for Halifax. Much to the crew’s dismay, a man with a gun stormed onto the 737 and started shooting the air Yosemite Sam style. The gunman’s name? Stephen Fry.

Fry, who called himself “Rico,” had gained access to the plane through the timeless strategy of the bum rush through security barriers while packing a loaded weapon. His demands? To be taken to Cuba (presumably, Castro was delighted to hear that someone actually wanted to come to his country, as opposed to the other way around). The Passengers were released soon after, a flight attendant bravely convincing him to let the people go in exchange for their money. However, he kept the crew hostage, and attempts by literally everyone, from the Jamaican Prime Minister to Fray’s father to persuade him to surrender were to no avail.

After negotiations broke down, the police were ordered to take the airplane. They called on the very best they had. Trained in Canada, the SWAT team with big hair, the police force with steel drum sirens, the guys who use smoke bombs filled with sour marijuana: The Jamaican Defense Force’s Counter Terrorism Operations Group.

Using stealth tactics, the baddest mofos in Kingston gained access to the plane by going through the windshield, and replacing the co pilot with a dread (locked) ninja. Then, in the ultimate act of awesome, he kicked down the cockpit door and tackled himself some terrorist. The day was saved, thanks to Bob Marley’s Warriors.

4. The Jerusalem Bulldozer Attack

On July 2nd, 2008, Hussam Taysir Duwait spontaneously stole a front end loader from a construction site, and proceeded to go apeshit with it, smashing cars up and down Jaffa Road. 3 people were killed, and over 30 others were injured.

A traffic cop shot the man, but he just kept on playing demolition derby with morning traffic. Three people climbed up into the cabin. An off duty soldier named Moshe Plesser, a cop, and Oron Ben Shimon, who was not a cop or a soldier, just a very pissed off civilian packing heat.

Shimon fought with the man in the cabin of the bulldozer, trying to get his feet off the accelerator and take the wheel away from him, in what must have looked like a scene from an action movie. He yelled “Shoot the motherfucker!” to the other two guys, and Plesser, drawing Shimon’s weapon from his holster, climbed up and shot the terrorist in the head. Three times.

3. The Entebbe Raid

June 27, 1976. Air France Flight 139, an Airbus in transit from Tel Aviv to Paris took off from a stopover in Athens. Minutes into the flight, the plane was hijacked by radical Palestinian terrorists wielding guns and grenades. They forced the pilots to fly the plane to Entebbe International Airport, in the middle of Uganda, home to acknowledged crazy dictator Idi Amin.

Israel, having had just about enough of this crap, planned an operation that seems like stock Hollywood stuff now, but at the time was unheard of. They put specially trained Israeli commandos on some C-130s and flew them from Israel all the way to Entebbe, and landed them under cover of darkness. Disguising themselves using a Mercedes frequently used by Idi Amin, they drove right up to the compound where the hostages that hadn’t yet been released (mostly Jews, go figure) and took out some sentries with silenced pistols.

Then, all Hell broke loose. Commandos stormed the building, and killed all 7 terrorists. 3 hostages were killed in the crossfire, but the remaining 102 were loaded onto the C-130s as they were being refueled for the journey back to Israel. While all this was going on, gun battles between the Ugandan army and the commandos were rather one sided, the Ugandans sustaining heavy losses. In addition, the entire complement of MiG fighters at the airport was blown up to prevent possible interception. Then, like it was no big thing, the planes took off and just like that, they were gone.

In all, 7 terrorists, 40 Ugandan soldiers, 1 Israeli soldier and 4 hostages were killed (one hostage was murdered at a hospital after the raid.) 102 hostages were freed, and everyone learned that the People of Zion have balls of boldest brass.

2. Gerald Ford Assassination attempt, Episode Two

In 1975, President Gerald Ford was having a rough time. The country was going to pieces around him, scandal, economic hardship, political turmoil, plus, the Yankees hadn’t been to the World Series in over 10 years.

To make matters worse, angry women kept pointing guns at him. On September 5th, Squeaky Fromme, one of Charles Manson’s incredibly unbalanced followers, attempted to shoot him before being restrained by Secret Service agents. Just 17 days later, on September 22nd, Sara Jane Moore was waiting for him outside the St. Francis Hotel in San Francisco, packing a .38 she had bought that morning (because her gun had been confiscated by police the day before: should have been a clue right there). She leveled the gun at Ford’s head, and there was nothing to stop her from blowing Gerald’s brains all over his limousine. Except, of course, for a Marine.

 

Oliver Sipple, a former jarhead that had been wounded in Vietnam, saw the gun and sprang into action, lunging at Moore and grabbing the gun, just as it went off. The bullet missed the President’s head by six inches, striking a taxi cab driver and slightly wounding him. Sipple put his hand in the trigger guard to prevent Moore from firing again, and she was taken into custody. Sipple joined the ranks of a select few throughout history: people who could say they saved the life of the President of the United States. So what did Sipple get for his bravery and awesomeness? The Presidential Medal of Freedom? Made Secretary of Defense? Conjugal rights with Betty Ford?

Nope, he got a letter saying “Thanks for saving me.” Also, he got the privilege of having his life ruined by the press, who outed him as gay to the entire world, including his family, who ostracized him. He eventually spiraled into a drug and alcohol induced depression before dying in 1989. Your country appreciates your service, Mr. Rambo…I mean Sipple.

1. Fedex Flight 705

In 1994, Auburn Calloway was in some deep shit. His wife had left him, taking his kid with her. He had serious issues with depression and substance abuse problems. And he was about to be fired from his job as a pilot for Fedex for lying on his resume. Plus, he had a name that sounded like he should be wearing an ascot and looking down on the Goonies.

So, Calloway decided to end it all, but just straight killing himself would forfeit his life insurance policy, and he wanted those Fedex bastards to pay up big time. So he came up with a convoluted plan. He would take a jump seat flight on a Fedex cargo jet, murder the flight crew, hijack the plane, and crash it into Fedex headquarters in Memphis. To aid in this plan, he chose weapons that wouldn’t arouse suspicion that the crash was anything but an accident: some claw hammers and a freaking spear gun.

He packed his insane arsenal in a guitar case that he presumably just had lying around, and went to catch a plane: Fedex Flight 705. 705 was a DC-10 ferrying electronics from Memphis to San Jose, and had three crew members on board: Captain David Sanders, First Officer James Tucker, and Flight Engineer Andrew Peterson. Calloway, who was an expert martial artist and had weapons and surprise on his side, figured he’d have no problem. 20 minutes after takeoff, he grabbed some hammers and went on the attack, bashing in all three men’s heads. But they weren’t dead. They were just angry.

Captain Sanders and Peterson wrestled Calloway back out of the cockpit into the cargo area, and fought with him, while Tucker executed aerial acrobatics to keep the would be hijacker off balance.

Calloway was eventually restrained, and Sanders took control of the plane while Tucker went back to deal with Calloway, who had started fighting again. The captain managed to return the plane and land safely at Memphis, where emergency personnel arrested Calloway. All four men had sustained serious injuries in the battle. Sanders had to have his ear sewn back on, Peterson had suffered a skull fracture and severed temporal artery, and Tucker had a serious skull fracture that had paralyzed half of his body. Calloway was convicted of attempted murder and, seriously, air piracy.

By Ben Adelman