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<\/a><\/p>\nAnd I just killed myself trying to say that title.<\/p>\n
Now, let\u2019s introduce our judges! First, we have a simian made famous recently by the publishing of his amazing memoirs, and then promptly moved in with author Ben Adelman because he\u2019s a mooch. Say hello to Michael Jackson\u2019s Monkey!<\/p>\n
Greetings, people of the audience who are not on TV. Oh cool, my words are being written as I say them. Hey o, howdy ho! I like music and licking Mo! Also, Ryan Seacrest is a giant\u2026\u2026\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n Okay, I think that\u2019s enough chatter from you, MJ\u2019s monkey.<\/p>\n \u2026\u2026\u2026poopy head. <\/span><\/p>\n Moving on. Next up, we have a guy whose flamboyance is equal to none, a man who makes other people uncomfortable with his antics, a man whose very name says all you need to know about him, it\u2019s Offensively Stereotypical Gay Man!<\/p>\n Hey everyone! I hope you all look absolutely fabulous this evening. I know I do, teeheehee. Oh my, Ryan Seacrest, you are such a studmuffin, come over here and give me some sugar, baby!<\/span><\/p>\n Umm\u2026yea, umm, anyway, the last member of our panel is the man himself, the husband of all of these fine women we are about to see tonight, I give you the one, the only, King Henry VIII!<\/p>\n What the\u2026\u2026.Where am I? Where\u2019s my codpiece? Why is this man sitting next to me trying to feel my crotch? <\/span><\/p>\n That\u2019s a good question. OSGM, stop that.<\/p>\n But he\u2019s so delectable.<\/span><\/p>\n I will rent you limb from limb.<\/span><\/p>\n Promises, promises!<\/span><\/p>\n Okay, can we move on here? This would be fine if I was getting paid by the hour, but I\u2019m not, so let\u2019s get on with it. Now, our first contestant is real royalty, the daughter of King Ferdinand II of Spain and the only one of Henry\u2019s wives to be of royal blood. She was also the first and longest wife of his, staying married for 25 years before Henry had their marriage annulled. She gave birth to six children, though only one survived past infancy: Bloody Mary Tudor. I give you\u2026\u2026\u2026.Catherine of Aragon!<\/p>\n Well, the children ratio is not a good thing. And being a staunch Catholic at a time when King Henry was founding the Church of England isn\u2019t good either. Plus, she\u2019s wearing a tent on her head. 5.<\/span><\/p>\n Good Christ, what is she wearing? Opals mixed with pearls, magenta and yellow? 4.<\/span><\/p>\n In bed, she was like a cold fish, she prayed after every rendezvous like God was going to strike us down for having sex. It was very unsatisfying. 4.<\/span><\/p>\n All right, our next contestant is the second wife of Henry VIII. The daughter of Thomas Boleyn, 1st Earl of Wiltshire, this was the woman that the King of England pulled his realm out of the control of the Catholic Church for. She gave birth to Elizabeth I of England, and was married to the king for 4 years, before he had her executed for having sexual relations with her brother. I give you\u2026\u2026Anne Boleyn!<\/p>\n Man, Elizabeth the First! She may have looked like a gopher bred with a horse\u2019s ass, but she sure was good at ruling! Besides, those charges were trumped up because Anne didn\u2019t give the king a son. 7.<\/span><\/p>\n That is a fabulous ensemble right there. The all black evening gown with the rose, simply breathtaking. Although I do have to take points off for the overusage of the chains, there is just gold everywhere. 7.<\/span><\/p>\n There\u2019s a reason I beheaded her people, and it wasn\u2019t because she slept with her brother (although that was pretty weird.) 2.<\/span><\/p>\n Next up, wife number 3. The daughter of Sir John Seymour, this lady birthed a son that survived past infancy, the future King Edward VI. Unfortunately, she paid for this with her life, as she died of post natal complications two weeks after the birth. I give you\u2026\u2026\u2026Jane Seymour!<\/p>\n There\u2019s a lot to be said about being buried next to the King and giving him a son and heir, even one that died at 15. I wonder if they would have stayed married if she hadn\u2019t died so soon. 7.<\/span><\/p>\n What is with the face? It\u2019s like she\u2019s saying \u201cGood God, did they empty the sewers early this week, or does the painter just have BO?\u201d Love the necklace, hate the face. 6.<\/span><\/p>\n The best. Just, the best ever. 10.<\/span><\/p>\n On to wife number 4. The daughter of John, Duke of Cleves, This was an arranged marriage for territorial gain more than anything else. It was the shortest lived of the king\u2019s marriages, lasting only 6 months. It was also never consummated. I give you\u2026\u2026..Anne of Cleves!<\/p>\n Poor Anne. I need to give her some points just out of pity. 5.<\/span><\/p>\n Girl, where did you get that belt, because I want one. Just for the belt, you get 5.\u00a0Everything else was kinda bad. 5. <\/span><\/p>\n She had\u2026..funny smells in her\u2026..regions. 0.<\/span><\/p>\n Her regions?<\/span><\/p>\n Yes, her regions. You know, her..private areas?<\/span><\/p>\n No I don\u2019t know. Please do explain.<\/span><\/p>\n Well, what I mean is\u2026\u2026\u2026you\u2019re just baiting me, aren\u2019t you.<\/span><\/p>\n Yes.<\/span><\/p>\n I will slay you.<\/span><\/p>\n Go ahead and try.<\/span><\/p>\n MOVING ON! Next up is the fifth wife of King Henry. The daughter of\u2026.oh who cares at this point. She was the youngest of Henry\u2019s wives, at just 17, and stayed married to him for two years before being executed for adultery, except this time she was actually guilty of the charges. I give you\u2026\u2026\u2026Catherine Howard!<\/p>\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.thisblogrules.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/05\/Catherine_aragon-228x300.jpg\")
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