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<\/a>Depending on who he is, he's probably had a lot of rescue sex.<\/p><\/div>\n
This is one of the classic fairy tale stories of all time, and has been used in everything from King Arthur to Spiderman. But my question is this: is rescuing this fair maiden in mortal peril really worth it? I submit that it is not. Let\u2019s start by looking at it from a logical standpoint: why are you rescuing this person in the first place?<\/p>\n
<\/a>Because you\u2019re a sucker for ladies with Cinnabon hair?<\/p><\/div>\n
True Love? How can that be possible if you\u2019ve never met the person? Hell, Love at first sight can\u2019t even apply until first sight, and in order to do that, you have to commit to the dangerous undertaking of fetching this woman that you\u2019ve seen only in pictures and R2D2\u2019s hologram projector. Perhaps you\u2019re looking for favor with the king, or think you can get yourself into the royal family. That would explain the rescue, if she\u2019s royalty and you knew she was royalty beforehand, but what if she isn\u2019t royalty?<\/p>\n
<\/a>What if she\u2019s just a woman held captive by a giant monkey?<\/p><\/div>\n
What if you\u2019re just out to kill the bad guy, and rescuing the damsel is just a bonus? Possible, I suppose, but unless you\u2019re Conan the Barbarian, odds are you aren\u2019t going to go looking for a fight with a fucking dragon. We are left with but one option: Sir Lancelot is on a booty call. That\u2019s all fine well and good, plenty of people have done really stupid things in the name of gettin\u2019 some, but are you telling me that the only way to get any action in Camelot is to fight a horrifying monster first? John F. Kennedy would beg to differ.<\/p>\n
<\/a>Oh yea, I went there.<\/p><\/div>\n
They call prostitution \u201cthe world\u2019s oldest profession\u201d for a reason: it\u2019s always there. You can go anywhere in the world and find a hooker, I bet you could pick one up in St. Peter\u2019s Square if you\u2019re bold enough. Even if you don\u2019t want to have to pay for it, if you\u2019re a dashing knight of the Round Table, there isn\u2019t going to be any shortage of ladies of the court willing to spread them for you. The point I\u2019m trying to make is that there are easier ways to get laid than taking on a 50 foot tall fire breathing monster with a pointy piece of metal.<\/p>\n
<\/a>Or a helicopter mounted machine gun, whatever your preference.<\/p><\/div>\n
But, let\u2019s just say you have a legitimate reason for rescuing the damsel, you kick the dragon in the balls and make off with the lady. Your problems won\u2019t stop there. Why do you think this woman was held captive in the first place? Most likely, it\u2019s because she\u2019s functionally retarded, useless, and incredibly shallow. What\u2019s more, she\u2019s probably going to treat you like shit because she\u2019s high strung and not used to roughing it out in the woods on the trip back to the castle.<\/p>\n
<\/a>Oh shut the hell up, Peach. You know how many castles I had to go through to find you? Do you know what kind of bullshit I\u2019ve had to put up with?<\/p><\/div>\n
If you survive the trip home, you then are confronted by the fact that she\u2019s not putting out until you get married, that is, if she still wants to spend the rest of her life with you when she sees all the nattily dressed Earls and Dukes hanging around court. But, let\u2019s speculate some more, and say that you make it through the gauntlet of the nobility and marry the girl, and have many fine nights of sexual bliss. You\u2019re still forgetting one very important factor.<\/p>\n