{"id":13194,"date":"2012-02-29T15:54:01","date_gmt":"2012-02-29T15:54:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.thisblogrules.com\/?p=13194"},"modified":"2015-09-09T13:35:55","modified_gmt":"2015-09-09T18:35:55","slug":"10-things-youll-need-when-your-internet-goes-away","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thisblogrules.com\/10-things-youll-need-when-your-internet-goes-away\/","title":{"rendered":"10 Things You’ll Need When Your Internet Goes Away"},"content":{"rendered":"
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No problem.<\/p><\/div>\n

The Internet is in danger. The SOPA\/PIPA bills<\/a> (which have only been shelved, not destroyed), the Megaupload.com shut-down, Twitter censoring tweets, telecommunications companies being forced to turn over complete customer information to Homeland Security — the threats are endless.<\/p>\n

But that’s okay! Don’t fear. We at This Blog Rules<\/em> have prepared a convenient list of the ten most valuable items you will need in a post-Internet age. While everyone else is out crying and scratching their eyeballs out after five minutes without a free and open Internet, you’ll be sitting pretty.<\/p>\n

1. \u00a0Notebook<\/strong><\/p>\n

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A notebook farm.<\/p><\/div>\n

“Notebooks” are the latest advancement in communications technology for the coming post-Internet age.\u00a0A notebook is a rectangular object filled with “paper” made from “trees” that have been chopped down and pressed into one-use disposable flat-screen computer monitors.<\/p>\n

Paper is widely admired by cell phone manufacturers for its built-in obsolescence. Even Apple has yet to produce a tablet as short-lived as a piece of paper.<\/p>\n

2. Pen<\/strong><\/p>\n

A “pen” is a special stylus filled with monitor pixels blended into a liquid called “ink.”\u00a0When you press the wet end of a pen\u00a0against a notebook and move it around erratically, a Facebook status update is created for your friends and family to read.<\/p>\n

The resulting chaotic visual patterns or “writing” on the paper are impossible to decipher, ensuring your updates are safely encrypted.<\/p>\n

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Nobody knows, nobody cares.<\/p><\/div>\n

3. Bulletin Board<\/strong><\/p>\n

A “bulletin board” is like an Internet server, in that it holds all your tweets so that anyone can read about what your stool looked like this morning.<\/p>\n

But unlike Internet servers, which are made out of unicorn dreams, bulletin boards are made out of cork, which is a kind of dried peat moss. And instead of existing in the clouds at the right hand of God as servers do, bulletin boards exist right here on Earth, in a place called “in public.”<\/p>\n

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Portrait of the author on his first encounter with “in public.”<\/p><\/div>\n

When you have something to tell the world — such as “lol do i look like i have duck lips” or “lol obamas dum” — you just blog it on a page from your notebook, hold it against the bulletin board, and stab it with a thumbtack.<\/p>\n

4. Bullhorn<\/strong><\/p>\n

It has been said, “The pen is mightier than the sword.”<\/p>\n

It has also been said, “I am going to hit you with this bullhorn.”<\/p>\n

A bullhorn helps you win arguments against any dangerous pen-wielders you might encounter on your new adventure of being in public.<\/p>\n

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We also heard you can talk through it, but we don’t see how.<\/p><\/div>\n

5. Pants<\/strong><\/p>\n

“Pants” protect a part of your body from the elements and save you embarrassment when you are in public. You simply slide them onto your legs.<\/p>\n

Pants technology is still in its early stages. One common complaint about pants is that they tend to have holes at the bottom, leaving your feet totally exposed.<\/p>\n

6. Shoes<\/strong><\/p>\n

Shoes are a form of foot armor design to compensate for the common problem of pants holes. Shoes protect your feet from thumbtacks when traversing vast bulletin board farms littered with thumbtacks.<\/p>\n