There are good poems and there are bad poems in the world. Then there is the worst poetry in the world on a whole different level of its own. These are the poems that make your eyes bleed and make you want to forget all the words you have ever learned.
My Heart is a Wiffle Ball / Freedom Pole – Kristen Stewart
I reared digital moonlight
You read its clock, scrawled neon across that black
The readers of Marie Claire magazine were deeply honoured to be able to read all of Kristen Stewart’s bold attempt at writing the world’s worst poem. She said that doesn’t want to sound “f**king utterly pretentious” but that after writing her delicious poems she thinks, “Holy f**k, that’s crazy”. With those delightful turns of phrase and imaginative use of vocabulary it is easy to see why she writes poetry.
The Tay Bridge Disaster – William McGonagall
For the stronger we our houses do build
The less chance we have of being killed.
Scottish poet McGonagall is widely regarded as being the worst poet to have ever written horrible stuff on pieces of paper in an overly earnest way. His Tay Bridge Disaster is a genuine disaster and is often called the worst poem of all time. Oh I don’t know, a lady called Jennifer might have a thing or two to say about that.
Lucky in Love – Jennifer Aniston
You’ve brought luck to love
I’ve been hit by a truck in love
Anyone who has ever been hit by a truck in love – and I think it’s safe to say we have all been at some point – knows exactly what Jen is getting at in this profound poem. She’s telling us that when someone brings you luck in love you can expect to get smashed by a heavy goods vehicle before they dump you. She wrote it as a tribute to the charming and not at all sleazy slimeball John Mayer.
Remembrance of Who I am – Britney Spears
You trick me one, twice, now it’s three
Look who’s smiling now /Damn, it’s good to be me!
Ah Britney, you had the world at your feet and you tripped up and fell over it. Hit Me Baby One More Time was clearly a word of dark, twisted, poetic genius. However, this cringe inducing poem is just awful. It might not be the worst poetry in the world ever but it has got to be in the top ten.
A Poem for Dzhokhar- Amanda Palmer
You don’t know how orgasmic the act of taking in a lungful of oxygen is
Until they hold your head under the water
Is it time to be controversial yet? As this is now the 21st century I reckon that it’s safe to say that I really don’t like Shakespeare’s poems at all. We all know phrases from his works, like “star cross lovers”, “all that glitters is not gold” and “a gangster’s paradise”. Hang on, that was Coolio, wasn’t it? Bill wrote about “a fool’s paradise”. He is said to have contributed more phrases to the English language than anyone else. That was nice of him but I still don’t like his poems. Having said that, next to Amanda Palmer the Bard looks like, actually, he looks like Shakespeare.
A Dog Named Beau – Jimmy Stewart
He’d dig up a rosebush just to spite me
And when I’d grab him, he’d turn to bite me.
Jimmy Stewart turned up on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson to delight the watching world with a hideous poem about his dead dog. It was gruesome stuff.
A Tragedy – Theophile Jules-Henri Marzials
Drop
Dead
Plop, flop
Plop
Some people have called this the single worst line from a poem in history. It’s really hard to build up a convincing case to suggest otherwise.