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Home » bad movies

Movies So Awful You Can’t Disengage

October 6, 2015 By Anne Burwell Leave a Comment

There’s a fine line between “artistic expression” and just plain drivel. A line whose first and only dependable guardian is Sir Self-Censorship.

But for some “artists” (usually of the self-proclaimed species), this trusty knight and retainer is mysteriously absent. Perhaps felled by the bloated, gorged and out of control Werewolves of Ego…

Cinematography is no stranger to such examples. It has plenty of movies that make us think it would have been better and more productive for everyone if the makers would have just went out for a beer and procrastinated instead on that particular evening of their conception. Movies so awful you can’t disengage, as paradoxically as that is.

How to describe them?

You know that feeling when it’s like you just stepped into a different dimension with your shoe-laces untied on mismatched shoes and a winter cap pulled over your eyes so you can barely see the bizarre discard-the-laws-of-physics things happening around?

Of course you don’t. But you might if you try to figure out the rationale behind these following gems hunted and discovered by Rotten Tomatoes’ regular contributor Michael Adam as research for his book “Showgirls, Teen Wolves and Astro Zombies”.

1. Showgirls – 1995

Showgirls, one of the movies so awful you can't disengage.

When you try to make a movie about the dramatic lives of Las Vegas strippers and casino workers, you’d better get your cohesion on. A little intensity and a dash of careful psychological study wouldn’t hurt either. Not to mention other elements like researching the local “culture” and behavior, pacing etc.

Which is what doesn’t happen in this attempt by writer Joe Eszterhas and director Paul Verhoeven of “Basic Instinct” fame. The dialogue tries to be “incisive” and “raw” but fails, the love scene between Elizabeth Berkley and Kyle MacLachlan fails to arouse. In short, the whole construction fails like a conglomeration of badly placed Tetris parts.

2. The Giant Spider Invasion – 1975

Among the movies so awful you can't disengage is The Giant Spider Invasion.

Mix up not-the-brightest-tool-in-the-shed rednecks, summarily dressed redneckettes, off-world genocidal spiders initially small and looking suspiciously like your average tarantulas until you get introduced to the giant hulking unstoppable monster version and what do you get? Well, “The Giant Spider Invasion”. Oh, and the giant spider is actually a VolksWagen car in a spider suit with the people inside twitching the “legs” to make it look realistic.

3. Howling II – Your Sister Is A Werewolf – 1985

Movies so awful you can't disengage, featuring Howling 2: Your Sister Is A Werewolf.

Supposedly a sequel of the 1981 original by Joe Dante, this masterpiece is what happens when an erotic horror attempt goes off its arguably tiny wheels to begin with and smashes into the dense forests of Ridiculous Land to turn into a blazing, eye-catching mess.

It stars Christoper Lee as an occult investigator matched against the werewolf Queen Stirba (Sybil Danning) and her servants. The acting (or lack of) by co-stars Annie McEnroe and Reb Brown is cringe-worthy, the make-up effects are so good they make you think of candy and there’s a theme song by Babel as enticing as a dripping water faucet. And more.

4. The Black Gestapo – 1975

Here's one of the movies so awful you can't disengage: The Black Gestapo (1975).

Wait… what? Safe to say certain producers need a historical dictionary or some-such, preferably applied with sufficient force to the side of the head. “Ge – sta – pooooh. Sink in yet? …. That’s right. … No, you can’t make the Gestapo officers black. It would be like making Malcom X a White Supremacist. Glad I could help. Run along and procrastinate now. It’s better for everybody”.

What other negative things can one say more about this movie that aren’t blatantly obvious by the title? Well, since you ask, the pacing and production ain’t quite peachy either. And it features the line “The new master race” in relation to the Black Gestapo. Aaaand a Hitleresque vibe when Kojah (the protagonist) holds a speech from a platform and says “The white community will feel our power!”.

5. Death Bed: The Bed That Eats – 1977

Movies so awful you can't disengage? Try Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

This one was so odd that even its release is out of the ordinary patterns. Although finished in 1977, it was released 3 decades later illegally, in the UK, because someone had managed to pirate a copy and make a video release DESPITE the fact that filmmaker George Barry hadn’t succeeded in acquiring any distribution. As these things tend to go, the movie naturally got a cult following, prompting an official release in 2003. A happy ending for the 6 years(!) of effort put in by the filmmaker (Barry started working on it in 1971). As for the theme of the movie, the title is eloquent: a bed digests various characters.

Image source: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Filed Under: movies Tagged With: awful, bad, bad movies, movie, movies

We Know What You Did Last Summer! Blockbusters Nostalgia

January 29, 2014 By Fred Mitchell Leave a Comment

Top box office movies that took people out of the house last year and literally moved them into cinemas all around the world include a lot of Sci-Fi and fantasy productions people have been waiting for quite some time, and some stand-alone we fear will be soon forgotten. If usually summer comes with a boom or two, last summer the world went mad as cinema was so generous (from the movie studios part, of course), it offered us action-packed, humor-packed and even muscle – packed silver screen big hits to please any taste.

Did they have success? If we check out the box office, we’d say they did and then some, as some of these titles kept the world on edge for a while. And with the freshly awarded Golden Globes and with the Oscars coming up in a jiffy, and with so many nominations and bets placed on so many titles, it is hard to chill out. On the contrary, if last summer you happened to be on some lush beach instead of going to the cinema and went blind for the rest of the year, we’ll walk you through last summer blockbusters nostalgia road and see if some of the movies had at least some impact, big enough to be remembered next year.

World War Z

Some of us said it already: not another Zombie Apocalypse movie, for crying out loud! Were you sick and tired of the zombie apocalypse? Apparently you were the only one, as even with Walking Dead satisfying everybody’s taste and soft spot for the undead, this movie still managed to fill in the cinemas everywhere. World War Z gave us a story about a zombie infestation that menaces mankind in all its locations, while an older (but still hot) Brad Pitt – UN employee, husband, father and wrinkle carrier – tries to save the entire world from its almost sure demise. It is a pandemic type of movie you are familiar with, but the special effects are indeed spectacular. The movie is based on a novel written by Max Brooks and called “World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War”. Will you still remember it next summer? Hard to tell and probably not. 

This is the End

Seth Rogen played a dangerous bet with this movie, and apparently he won. Being his directing debut, a summer comedy involving six friends trapped in a house while a series of catastrophes basically dismantle entire Los Angeles is a dangerous premise as disaster movies have been made before, claustrophobic movies have been made sometimes way too many times before and the concept of testing people’s friendships and bonds is certainly not new. However, people who saw the movie said it was funny, different, with touches of originality, with good script and dialogues, good atmosphere and actors really enjoying playing this one. Still lacking faith? It was considered among the best movies of 2013. Will you care enough to recommended next year? Depends on what the crazy bunch comes up with next… Good potential here.

Now You See Me

This sort of Ocean’s 11 but with magic and not keeping the money made an interesting spring – summer thriller. Illusionists we kinda seen before, but this time, although people secretly hoped The Four Horsemen would hit banks, keep the money, get chased by the police and get away with it all, the movie breaks the pattern and tells us a story of four bank robbers giving the money to their constantly growing audience. Who finances their hi-tech illusions? Why are they stealing and not keeping anything? And how do they do it? And to what personal benefit? Answers you received if you saw it. Admit it, you felt quite entertained in the company of Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, Mark Ruffalo, Isla Fisher, Melanie Laurent, Dave Franco, Morgan Freeman, Common, Michael Kelly, Elias Koteas and Michael Caine. Will you care in the next 12 months? We’d bet our cinema ticket you won’t.

The Purge

…and we had the monster of the house this summer too, ladies and gentlemen. In a dystopic America, devastated by violence and crime, with over crowded prisons and the authorities’ incapacity to manage the situation no longer, the Government decided that one night a year, for 12 hours, any crime, infraction, violent acts and whatever bad things people would feel like committing, to be allowed without police intervention, without any medical care for the victims. 12 hours when America unleashes the beast inside and goes against anybody and everybody, in order to be good and behave for the rest of the year.

And this movie’s plot takes place inside a house! Where Ethan Hawke manages to play the disturbing role of a man trying to protect his family and make it alive to the morning, after accepting to host some strangers in his house. With an Ethan Hawke people missed quite a lot in the last years, the movie made some interesting promises, although it would have been more disturbing to the the family trying to survive the Purge night outside, and not inside the house. Not the most outstanding of the last summer blockbusters nostalgia to keep alive, but interesting nonetheless. There’s something about a Purge 2 movie, but we don’t even want to know.

If you’re wondering why we didn’t say a word about the real blockbusters movies of last summer, come on, we all saw them. Man of Steel, Star Trek into Darkness (nominated for 1 Oscar), Iron Man III (nominated for 1 Oscar), these you will hear about very soon and for a very long time from now on, as they are the winning franchises of the century, together with whatever Marvel is going to come up with, the Batman vs. Superman thingies and the rising Star Wars VII you’re gonna get fed up with before it hits cinemas. So a real blockbusters nostalgia you won’t have, as the blockbusters are already knocking at our door.

Filed Under: movies Tagged With: bad movies, summertime

The Video Notebook: A Retro Design

August 6, 2012 By Vernon Gadson Leave a Comment

Don’t go sticking this in your VCR (providing you’re perpetually trapped in the ‘80s). Behold the Video Notebook, a 260-page writing pad ingeniously designed to mimic the appearance of a VHS cassette tape, a recording device now considered primitive in the modern age of the Blu-ray. Such a strikingly retro design will allow for diarists and casual scribblers the world over to indulge in sweet nostalgia, of which the makers of this conceptually brilliant product were fully aware: “For most of us, the VHS is just a nostalgic memory, but we thought it was an object worth revisiting, in the form of this very nice Video Notebook.”

A must-have for any self-respecting film fan of a certain age, the Video Notebook comes with a protective sleeve and a sheet of sticky labels for writing on, just like the actual tapes of yesteryear. The manufacturing company has apparently (and unsurprisingly) sold out of the product, although you can find it on Amazon for a measly $29.99. Oh, a little advice: if you do buy the Video Notebook (and who could blame you?), try and make sure you don’t get it mixed up with your VHS copy of “The Notebook” – y’know, if you’re a complete doofus.

The images above were taken by filmmaker BenDavid Grabinski, a proud purchaser of the Video Notebook, and the images below are official marketing stills. [Read more…]

Filed Under: fun Tagged With: 80s, 90s, amazon, bad movies, blu ray, cool, diary, dvd, film, nostalgia, notebook, products, retro, technology, the notebook, vcr, vhs

The 5 Worst Video Game Movies of All Time

October 25, 2011 By Vernon Gadson 10 Comments

Sometimes turning video games into movies works out incredibly well – Silent Hill, Resident Evil, Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, they were all really fantastic! However, sometimes they just don’t work out as planned. Here’s a list of games turned into movies that didn’t work out as well as the makers had planned them to:

5. Doom

Getting a wrestler who can’t act to star as the movies protagonist is going to make this a fail from the word go! Based on the legendary video game series we all know and love, Doom follows the story of a space station which rips open a dimension into the demon world. [Read more…]

Filed Under: fun, top list Tagged With: action, bad movies, dead or alive, doom, dwayne johnson, films, final fantasy, horror, house of the dead, movies, resident evil, silent hill, street fighter, video game movies, video games, worst movies, worst video game movies

The Ten Best Moments in Mystery Science Theater 3000 History

September 20, 2011 By Vernon Gadson 1 Comment

“Mystery Science Theater 3000” codified what people had been doing for years: vastly improving bad movies by making fun of them. It somehow stayed on the air for eleven years and defined a decade of popular culture, mostly by bringing bad movies back to painful, hilarious life. MST, we salute you, by honoring your ten greatest moments. [Read more…]

Filed Under: fun, top list Tagged With: bad movies, best moments, best mst3k moments, comedy, funniest mst3k moments, funny, mst3k, mystery science theater 3000, rotten tomatoes, top ten mst3k moments, tv show

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