by Will Conley
"OK, one pack of You Fat Dead Loser and a Neck Hole 100s box. That'll be $22.50."
The U.S. Food and Drug Administration announced this month that starting in September all cigarette packs must feature graphic images of the negative health effects of smoking. The images must cover at least half the pack on both front and back.
They depict, among other nastiness, a sewn-up corpse, crying women and children, and the obligatory rotting lung and mouth shots — the go-to jerk-off material for temperance fetishists and zombie buffs. Here are all nine of the grisly new warning labels, courtesy of the FDA…
Tobacco companies are currently suing the FDA, noting that the new labeling requirement will far overshadow the actual package branding, thus violating their free speech.
And if American tobacco companies think the new graphic warning labels are bad, they should check out what the rest of the world makes tobacco companies put on their packs. There are the usual text labels, such as:
“Smoking Kills”
“You Don’t Love Your Children”
“We Are Going to Hunt You Down and Cry on You”
And then there are the graphic labels. Some of them are downright violent and deserve an “R” rating from the Motion Picture Association of America.
Brazil’s labels are the worst. They depict pictures what would happen if you were to apply the internal damage from smoking to the outside of your dirty smoker body. We would embed the images in this post, but they are seriously too violent even for our depraved readers, so we decided to give you a moment to decide if you really, really want to see them.
Seriously, think it through before clicking.
WARNING: YOU WILL DIE IN YOUR SLEEP IF YOU CLICK THROUGH. EXTREMELY BLOODY.
The warnings on Brazil’s packaging, like many of the world’s tobacco warning labels, point to the usual inconvenient maladies like cancer and heart disease, but they also mention some effects we didn’t know about, such as impotence and gangrene:
- And acne, diarrhea, exploding face, howling monkey syndrome, riots, cosmic entropy, and several strains of the bubonic plague.
Sure, blame it on the tobacco companies.
Even the French, whose national flag, according to our research, depicts a skinny person smoking a cigarette, have warning labels:
"I am le bored. Summon my entourage."
To sum up the FDA’s new anti-smoking initiative: “If you are a smoker, you are a disgusting, vile pig of a human being. You deserve your fate. And you, convenience store clerk, you should quit your job if you don’t like looking at dead people all day for $5.50 an hour. You should be ashamed of yourself for supporting this. You are going to hell, and these picture are just a preview of what’s to come. We love you as Jesus loved you.”
Author Will Conley is a disgusting, vile pig of a human being. He deserves his fate.
So can we expect McDonald’s packaging to soon have grotesque pictures on them as well? Maybe a huge muffin top popping over way-too-small skinny jeans? Or maybe a sewed up morbidly obese body after dying from a heart attack caused by walking from the car into the door of Walmart to get into a motorized wheelchair/scooter?
I’m personally much more grossed out by incredibly fat people than I am by someone smoking a cigarette…but that’s my personal opinion.
I think people know by now that smoking is bad for you, we also know fast food is bad for you, we know sugary juices aren’t good for you, cokes are bad for you, alcohol in extreme quantities isn’t good for you, Hell, even large doses of vitamins can do harm to your body!!!!
I mean, where will the FDA draw the line? Shall we also begin putting painted battered bodies on the hoods of cars to remind people to drive carefully? Driving kills, y’all – be safe.
Come on, US…
Ha ha.