As a new year begins we are full of hope and expectation for the coming 365 days. Whatever you do, don’t go and spoil the positive vibes by buying one of the worst calendars for 2014.

The Welsh Phone Boxes Calendar

I must admit to being vaguely concerned about the fast disappearing red telephone boxes of Wales. Let me be brutally honest here; worries about whether the last phone boxes have disappeared from Llanelli and Caerphilly don’t make me lose any sleep. However, it is a situation I may occasionally bring up in conversation when I’m drunk in the future. Sadly, it appears as though the rest of the world chooses to ignore the plight of these brave phone boxes, as not even one single copy had been sold in the first couple of months after this weird calendar was released.

The Tattooed Librarians Calendar

If I wanted to look at tattooed librarians every day I would, well, I would buy this calendar actually. Could this be the start of a weird new fetish in the world? Maybe it already is one and I’m just behind the times again. I’ll check it out once I finally get set up on Facebook and Twitter.

The Organic Vegetables Calendar

A 2014 calendar filled with plain old vegetables would be pretty dull, as I think any reasonably sane person would agree. Aha, what it they were lovely organic vegetables, though? The genius of this guide through the coming year is that it actually runs for 18 months. That certainly beats hell out of the diary I bought the other day that only starts on the 15th of January. What is that all about? Am I mean to hibernate for the first 2 weeks of the year?

The Naked Woman’s Rugby Team Calendar

I’m trying really hard to think of something nice to say about this calendar. The good ladies of Camp Hill Rugby Club decided that taking off their clothes and exposing their rather unpleasant bodies on a calendar would be a good way to raise funds. They were, quite frankly, horrifyingly wrong. The saddest fact of all is that the picture above is the least scary of the whole thing. January, for example, has probably put me off kiwi fruits for the whole year.

The Cow Yoga Calendar

Cows and yoga. Yoga and cows. Cows doing yoga. Yoga cows. No, I just don’t get it.

The Spam Calendar

Did you know that Spam has been making meal times more exciting since 1937 and that varieties include Spam Jalapeño, Spam Garlic and Spam with Cheese? You do? Ok, then. Well, even if you are such a fan of this stuff that you eat it all the time you are unlikely to want to look at Spam every single freaking day of 2014, are you?

The Tea Calendar

If you love tea then this is the calendar for you. You get one little container worth of the drinkable leaf every single day. If you are a coffee fan like me then this is one of the worst calendars for 2014.

The Goat Calendar

If the bizarre 2014 calendar with cows doing yoga was just too sensible for you then maybe you need to introduce some goats in trees into your daily life this year. Personally, I think I’ll hold off until 2015, to see if some bright spark comes up with a Hamsters in Hedges or Rabbits Doing Cartwheels calendar. Now that would be a year to remember.