There’s a thin line between truth and hoax. Which of these five employee training videos from the 80s and 90s are real, and which ones are fake? Your guesses are as good as ours; leave your thoughts in the comments.
Dave Thomas is Going to Kill You.
Hi! I’m Wendy’s founder Dave Thomas, and you do not want to fuck with me today. Right now I am nursing one hell of a hangover, and my operations guy is telling me I gotta stand here in this grease pit and talk to you lowlifes about digusting shit I don’t care about. I haven’t even been to bed yet. So everybody shut the hell up and let’s get this over with. My main message to you is squash those meat patties so the corners hang over the edge of the bun. That’s the most important thing. Here’s a rap video about making sure the meat patties hang over the edge of the goddamn bun.
Remember: When you’re inside Chuck…
Here at Chuck E. Cheese, we see to it that our pedophilic, sexless, ageless mascots are clean. We have supplied you, the underpaid mascot, with a vast and varied array of lubricants to buff, shine, and really work those costumes. Mm, goddamn, that is clean. Clean it again. And remember, when you’re inside Chuck, you have a special job.
I See Clean People
McDonald’s is known for its cleanliness. And for the way it systematically drives its custodial staff into a schizo-delusional state. We were unable to locate the previous video in this series, which demonstrates how McDonald’s programs its store managers to achieve multiple orgasms upon uttering the word “garbage”.
Pizza Whuuut!
“Wanted: Insufferable smart-ass for employee training video. Must know many irrelevant ways to answer a phone. Also seeking bitchy housewife, people to throw shit around, and an autistic video editor. No pay, great resume builder!” – Craigslist, if it existed in the early 1990s.
One Million Dollars!
From: Dr. Evil
To: Video producer
Subject: Evil employee training video
Hey. I was thinking. We’re not screwing with people hard enough. Make a video that starts with a ton of fake technobabble, and then, once most people have stopped watching, put something near the end telling the employees to screw with people harder. What do you think? Holla. Love, Dr. Evil
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Uh, I think the last one’s a joke.